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Author Topic: Joke Area  (Read 73969 times)

Offline Doronik

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Re: Joke Area
« Reply #270 on: December 06, 2016, 12:19:27 PM »
An old scottish guy was sitting at a bar and strkes up a concversation with the bartender. 

"Aye, its me, Angus McGregor, you see that road out there? built dat road wit' me own two hands. Laid every stone I did. but nobody talks about that!"

The old man takes another drink.
"You see dat bridge over there? I built dat with me own two hands. Took me months, through rain, sleet and scorching weatherr, but nobody talks about that.

The old guy looks around, and makes sure that nobody is listening, and leans to the man, and he says:
"but you fuck one sheep..."

Offline Doronik

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Re: Joke Area
« Reply #271 on: December 06, 2016, 01:35:59 PM »
A dialectic cop spends all day looking for IUD's

The irony is strong with this one...

Offline 2Cool

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Re: Joke Area
« Reply #272 on: December 22, 2016, 08:59:18 AM »
Earthworm
-------------------------

A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The
little boy finds an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says,
"Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole." The grandfather
replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp
to put back in that little hole."

The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of
hairspray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board.
Then he puts the worm back into the hole.

The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hairspray,
and runs into the house. Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back
out and hands the little boy another five dollars. The little boy says,

"Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars."

The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your grandma

There is no hunting like the hunting of man, and those who have hunted armed men long enough and liked it, never care for anything else thereafter. - Ernest Hemingway

One man with courage makes a majority. - Andrew Jackson

Offline 2Cool

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Re: Joke Area
« Reply #273 on: December 24, 2016, 11:56:52 AM »
          Pope and the Rabbi - the great debate
 
Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy.  There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal;  He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community.  If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy, if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave.
 
The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise Rabbi to represent them in the debate.  However, as the Rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Hebrew, they agreed that it would be a 'silent' debate.
 
On the chosen day, the Pope and the Rabbi sat opposite each other:
The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.
The Rabbi looked back and raised one finger.
Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head.
The Rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat.
The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine.
The Rabbi pulled out an apple.
 
With that, the Pope stood up and declared himself beaten and said that the Rabbi was too clever. The Jews could stay in Italy!
 
Later the cardinals met with the Pope and asked him what had happened.  The Pope said, 'First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity.  He responded by holding up a single finger to remind me there is still only one God common to both our beliefs.  'Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all around us.
He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us.  'Finally, I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins.  He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin. 'He bested me at every move and I could not continue!'
 
Meanwhile, the Jewish community gathered to ask the Rabbi how he had won:  'I don't have a clue!!!' the Rabbi said. 'First, he told me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger.  Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews, so I told him that we were staying right here.'
 
 
'And then what?' asked a woman.
 
'Who knows...' said the Rabbi, 'He took out his lunch, so I took out mine!'
There is no hunting like the hunting of man, and those who have hunted armed men long enough and liked it, never care for anything else thereafter. - Ernest Hemingway

One man with courage makes a majority. - Andrew Jackson

Offline 2Cool

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Super Bowl Conflict
« Reply #274 on: February 05, 2017, 01:13:36 PM »
Subject: Super Bowl Conflict
 
 
Dear Friends:

A friend of mine, an Atlanta Falcons fan, has two box seat tickets for the 2017 Super Bowl in Houston. Some time ago, he paid $1,700 for each ticket. He didn't realize when he bought them that the Super Bowl – on February 5th  - was going to be on the same day as his wedding. It turns out that it is a perfect scheduling conflict, so now he can't go.


If you know someone who would be interested and would like to go in his place, it's at St Peter's Church, in New York City, at 5 pm on Sunday. By the way, her name is Dana, she's 5'2" with long hair and big dark eyes, about 115 lbs. great figure, good cook, plus, she makes $90,000 a year. Just ask for Dana when you get there; she'll be the one in the white dress….
There is no hunting like the hunting of man, and those who have hunted armed men long enough and liked it, never care for anything else thereafter. - Ernest Hemingway

One man with courage makes a majority. - Andrew Jackson

Offline 2Cool

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Re: Joke Area
« Reply #275 on: April 03, 2017, 09:28:19 AM »
Ole Blue

A young Southern boy goes off to college, but about 1/3 of the way
through the semester, he has foolishly squandered away all of the money his
parents gave him.

Then he gets an idea. He calls his daddy. "Dad," he says, "you won't
believe the wonders that modern education are coming up with! Why,
they actually have a program here at college that will teach our dog Ole
Blue how to talk!"

"That's absolutely amazing," his father says. "How do I get him in
that program?"

"Just send him down here with $1,000" the boy says. "I'll get him
into the course." So, his father sends the dog and the $1,000.

About 2/3 way through the semester, the money runs out. The boy calls
his father again. "So how's Ole Blue doing, son," his father asks.

"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe
this they've had such good results with this program that they've
implemented a new one to teach the animals how to READ!"

"READ," says his father, "No kidding! What do I have to do to get him
in that program? "

Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class." His father sends the
money.

The boy now has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will
find out that the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog.

When he gets home at the end of the semester, his father is all
excited. "Where's Ole Blue? I just can't wait to see him talk and read
something!"

"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just
before we left to drive home, Ole Blue was in the living room kicking back
in the recliner, reading the morning paper, like he usually does. Then he
turned to me and asked, ' So, is your daddy still messin' around with that
little redhead who lives on Oak Street ?'

The father says, "I hope you SHOT that son of a bitch before he talks
to your Mother!"

"I sure did, Dad!"

"That's my boy!"

There is no hunting like the hunting of man, and those who have hunted armed men long enough and liked it, never care for anything else thereafter. - Ernest Hemingway

One man with courage makes a majority. - Andrew Jackson

Offline bwana6

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Re: Joke Area
« Reply #276 on: April 12, 2017, 11:51:13 AM »
Once upon a time after Vietnam ended, a helicopter pilot flying for a major corporation here in the states was caught by nightfall's rapid approach and very limited visibility and realized he needed to find an open area to set down FAST. He was on a routine business flight but alone and at the last second caught a glimpse of a fresh mowed field of hay trhru a hole in the clouds and dropped down.

Relieved at his good fortune he hovers close to a nearby farmhouse and lands the ship. A farmer walks out of the house and says, 'You can spend the night here but stay well away from my daughter.'

As the pilot lay down in the hay and began to doze off, the daughter brought him a supper plate with generous portions of home cooking. The conversation turned to romance and the farmers number one rule was broken. As dawn broke our hero was long gone and moving thru the clouds.

7 years later the helo pilot was passing over the same farm and decided to land and pay a visit, However, upon landing, he saw a 6 year old boy on the front porch smiling at him. Beside him was the object of his one nights passion 7 years ago. The daughter, sensing his question, said 'Yes, this is your son.'

'Why didn't you let me know................I would have done the right thing' he said. The daughter then replied, 'Our entire family discussed it. We prayed about it in church, talked to many counselors and wise people. But in the end we all agreed that it was better to have a bastard son in the family than a fucking helicopter pilot'.
« Last Edit: July 23, 2017, 12:38:52 PM by bwana6 »

Offline 2Cool

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Re: Joke Area
« Reply #277 on: April 19, 2017, 10:30:13 AM »
Half Sister

One Sunday morning George burst into the living room and said, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan. After dinner, George's dad took him aside, "Son, I have to talk with you. Look at your mother, George. She and I have been married 30 years, she's a wonderful wife and mother, but, she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot."

"Susan is actually your half sister, and I'm afraid you can't marry her."

George was brokenhearted.

After eight months he eventually started dating girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced, "Diane said yes! We're getting married in June." Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. "Diane is your half sister too, George."

"I'm awfully sorry about this."

George was livid! He finally decided to go to his mother with the news his father had shared.

"Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get married," he complained. "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my half sister."

"Hee hee," his mother chuckled, shaking her head, "Don't pay any attention to what he says. He's not really your father."
There is no hunting like the hunting of man, and those who have hunted armed men long enough and liked it, never care for anything else thereafter. - Ernest Hemingway

One man with courage makes a majority. - Andrew Jackson

Offline 2Cool

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Re: Joke Area
« Reply #278 on: May 16, 2017, 02:47:45 PM »
FIRST DAY AT THE SENIOR COMPLEX

On her first day at the senior complex, the new manager addressed all the seniors pointing out some of her rules: ​ ​
 
" The female sleeping quarters will be out-of-bounds for all males, and the male dormitory to the ​ females. ​ “   
 
​" Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. ​“ 

She ​ continued, ​" Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180. ​“

​" Are there any questions? ​“​

At this point, an older gentleman stood up in the crowd inquired: ​" How much for a season pass? ​“
 
 
There is no hunting like the hunting of man, and those who have hunted armed men long enough and liked it, never care for anything else thereafter. - Ernest Hemingway

One man with courage makes a majority. - Andrew Jackson

Offline 2Cool

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Re: Joke Area
« Reply #279 on: May 22, 2017, 12:57:39 PM »
Sent from my iPhone, A Deathbed Conversation:

Doug Pender lived all his life in the Florida Keys and is on his deathbed and knows the end is near.  His nurse, his wife, his daughter and two sons, are with him.

He asks for two witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes, and when all is ready he begins to speak:

"My son, Bernie, I want you to take the Ocean Reef houses."

"My daughter Sybil, you take the apartments between mile markers 100 and Tavernier."

"My son, Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the Marathon Government Center."

"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the bayside on Blackwater Sound."

The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his extensive holdings, and as Doug slips away, the nurse says, "Mrs. Pender, your husband must have been  such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property."

The wife replies, "The asshole had a paper route."
There is no hunting like the hunting of man, and those who have hunted armed men long enough and liked it, never care for anything else thereafter. - Ernest Hemingway

One man with courage makes a majority. - Andrew Jackson

Offline 2Cool

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Re: Joke Area
« Reply #280 on: June 07, 2017, 10:20:15 AM »
Hillary phoned the president's office shortly  after midnight.  “I need to talk to the president, it’s an emergency!”, exclaimed Hillary.
 
After some cajoling, the president's assistant agreed to wake him up.  “So, what is it that’s so important that it can’t wait until morning?”, grumbled Trump.
 
“ A Supreme Court Judge just died, and I want to take his place,”  begged Hillary.
 
“Well, it’s OK with me if it’s OK with the mortuary,”  replied President Trump.
There is no hunting like the hunting of man, and those who have hunted armed men long enough and liked it, never care for anything else thereafter. - Ernest Hemingway

One man with courage makes a majority. - Andrew Jackson

Offline 2Cool

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Re: Joke Area
« Reply #281 on: June 09, 2017, 09:36:10 AM »
Subject: Reflections on 50 years of marriage

After being married for 50 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said,

"Fifty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa-bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV.

But hey, I got to sleep every night with a hot 23-year-old girl.

Now... I have a $750,000 home, a $45,000 car, a nice big bed and a large screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 73-year-old woman.” 

So I said to my wife "it seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things.”

My wife is a very reasonable woman.  She told me to go out and find a hot 23-year-old girl and she would make sure that I would

once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.

 
Aren't older women great?  They really know how to solve an old guy's problems!
There is no hunting like the hunting of man, and those who have hunted armed men long enough and liked it, never care for anything else thereafter. - Ernest Hemingway

One man with courage makes a majority. - Andrew Jackson

Offline 2Cool

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Re: Joke Area
« Reply #282 on: June 10, 2017, 08:42:25 AM »
FREE SEX WITH FILL-UP

There was this gas station in "redneck country" trying to increase its sales, so the owner put up a sign saying "Free Sex with Fill-up." Soon a "redneck" customer pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free sex.

The owner told him to pick a number from (1) to (10), and if he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. The buyer then guessed (8) and the proprietor said, "No, you were close. The number was (7). Sorry, no free sex this time but maybe next time".

Some time thereafter, the same man, along with his buddy this time, pulled in again for a fill-up, and again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story and asked him to guess the correct number. The man guessed (2) this time, and the proprietor said, "Sorry, it was (3). You were close but no free sex this time".

As they were driving away, the driver said to his buddy, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't give away free sex". The buddy replied, "No, it's not rigged -- my wife won twice last week."
There is no hunting like the hunting of man, and those who have hunted armed men long enough and liked it, never care for anything else thereafter. - Ernest Hemingway

One man with courage makes a majority. - Andrew Jackson

Offline 2Cool

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Re: Joke Area
« Reply #283 on: July 17, 2017, 01:12:11 PM »
Jan, Sue and Mary haven't seen each other since high school. They rediscover each other via a reunion website and arrange to meet for lunch in a wine bar. Jan arrives first, wearing beige Versace. She orders a bottle of Pinot Grigio.

Sue arrives shortly afterward in gray Chanel. After the required ritualized kisses, she joins Jan in a glass of wine.

Then Mary walks in, wearing a faded old tee-shirt, blue jeans and boots. She too, shares the wine.

Jan explains that after leaving high school and graduating from Princeton in Classics, she met and married Timothy, with whom she has a beautiful daughter. Timothy is a partner in one of New York 's leading law firms. They live in a 4000 sq.ft. co-op on Fifth Avenue , where Susanna, the daughter, attends drama school They have a second home in Phoenix .

Sue relates that she graduated from Harvard Med School and became a surgeon. Her husband, Clive, is a leading Wall Street investment banker. They live in Southampton on Long Island and have a second home in Naples, Florida .

Mary explains that she left school at 17 and ran off with her boyfriend, Ed. They run a tropical bird park in Colorado and grow their own vegetables and marijuana.  Ed can stand five parrots, side by side, on his pecker.

Halfway down the third bottle of wine and several hours later, Jan blurts out that her husband is really a cashier at WalMart. They live in a small apartment in Brooklyn and have a travel trailer parked at a nearby storage facility.

Sue, chastened and encouraged by her old friend's honesty, explains that she and Clive are both nurses' aides in a retirement home. They live in Jersey City and take vacation camping trips to Alabama .

Mary says the fifth parrot has to stand on one leg.
There is no hunting like the hunting of man, and those who have hunted armed men long enough and liked it, never care for anything else thereafter. - Ernest Hemingway

One man with courage makes a majority. - Andrew Jackson

Offline 2Cool

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Re: Joke Area
« Reply #284 on: July 18, 2017, 08:57:00 AM »
New York Girl
-------------------------

A girl from New York and a girl from the west coast were seated side by
side on an airplane.

The girl from New York, being friendly and all said, "So, where ya from?"

The west coast girl said, "From a place where they know better than to
use a preposition at the end of a sentence."

The girl from New York, sat quietly for a few moments and then replied:

"So, where ya from.... bitch?"
There is no hunting like the hunting of man, and those who have hunted armed men long enough and liked it, never care for anything else thereafter. - Ernest Hemingway

One man with courage makes a majority. - Andrew Jackson